When it Comes to Your Teens, Dishonesty Is Never the Best Policy
By Leslie Davis
You don’t want to believe that your teens would lie to you. But they do. And it’s not always about something major - sometimes they just don’t want to get in trouble for not taking out the trash or being late to class.
And while a little white lie here and there is to be expected (and forgiven), major lies can start a negative pattern of behavior that continues into adulthood. A recent report by the Josephson Institute of Ethics determined that cheating on tests in high school can lead to increased dishonesty later in life.
A study of about 7,000 people of various ages found that people who cheated in high school are more likely to cheat on taxes, lie to their spouses, and inflate insurance or expense claims.
The study also revealed the following facts about dishonest behavior:
- Teens ages 17 and younger are five times more likely than those older than 50 to believe that lying and cheating are necessary to succeed (51 percent vs. 10 percent).
- Teens are four times as likely to deceive their boss (31 percent vs. 8 percent).
- Teens are three times more likely to keep change mistakenly given to them (49 percent vs. 15 percent).
- Young adults ages 18 to 24 are more likely to lie to a spouse or partner, make unauthorized copies of music or videos, and misrepresent or omit a fact in a job interview.
“When you see that teens are five times more likely than adults to think it’s OK to cheat to get ahead, we have a problem,” Rich Jarc, the Josephson Institute’s executive director, said in an Oct. 29 Los Angeles Times article. “Just think if five times the number of people in business, politics and banking hold those beliefs. That’s alarming.”
Promoting Honesty with Your Teen
Whether they consider it an exaggeration, a white lie or withholding the truth, people frequently lie. Studies have shown that people tell some type of falsehood about four times a day. Given those statistics, it is unlikely that you can prevent your teen from ever telling you any type of lie. But there are some things you can do to promote honesty by your teen.
Teach them that honesty really is the best policy. Starting at a young age, teach your children about honesty. Let them know what the difference is between being completely honest, partially honest, sparing someone’s feelings and lying. Explain that lying is not a way to get ahead, and can only result in hurt feelings, lost opportunities and more problems than you would have had by being honest. Illustrate these things through reading stories or discussing movies, TV shows or news articles that bring up the issue of lying or cheating.
Be an example. Children base a lot of their behaviors on what their parents do. It makes sense that, if your children see you lying (even if it’s trying to get out of a late utility bill), they will think it’s okay and follow suit. And don’t think your children don’t hear or see your behaviors. Always keep in mind that your children are in earshot, and act accordingly. To set the best example, make it a policy to not lie to your teens, even if you know that the truth will be hard for them to hear.
Appreciate honesty. While it’s easy to get mad at your teens for them lying to you, you may not always remember to thank them for their honesty. Reinforce this positive behavior by telling them you appreciate them being honest and telling you the truth. If they know you appreciate it, they are more likely to do it.
Watch your reaction. If you teens do tell you the truth about something you don’t want to hear, are you likely to yell at them, ground them or react inappropriately? Consider that maybe your teens aren’t telling you the truth because they are worried about how you will react. While you are allowed to get upset at your teen for engaging in certain behaviors, don’t let anger be your first reaction. Listen to your teen’s explanation before doling out an appropriate punishment. If your teens know you will react calmly and fairly, they won’t be as compelled to hide the truth from you.
Don’t ignore lies. There are some lies that you will never find out the truth about. There are others, however, that are obvious. If you know your teens are lying to you, don’t ignore it. Doing so will only indicate to them that they can get away with it. Instead, talk to your teens about why they lied and what they could have done instead of lying to you.
Consider why your teens are lying. Teens may not always have devious motivation for lying. They may be lying because they are embarrassed, ashamed or being pressured. Don’t automatically assume your teens must be doing something bad if they are lying to you. Talk to them about things that are going on in their lives, and let them know they can talk to you about anything.
Set consequences. Be sure to establish consequences for when your teens lie. Teens who know they face some type of punishment for lying or cheating are less likely to take the risk. Establish the consequences before you catch your teens lying so they can’t say they didn’t know. And be sure to actually enforce the consequences, or else they will be useless.
Trust your teens. Unless your teens have given you any reason to distrust them, don’t assume that they are lying. Teens who feel like their parents trust them are less likely to lie.
If your teens are lying on a regular basis, even about seemingly innocuous things such as where they went after school, it may be an indication that they are hiding something serious, such as drug or alcohol abuse. If you are unable to stop your teen from lying and it is getting progressively worse, you may want to consider therapy, a behavior modification school, a teen boarding school, a wilderness program or an adolescent residential treatment program to address your teens’ behaviors and get to the bottom of their problems.